“not that’s simple, my feelings for him, is not that simple”
that’s the only answers when my friends judge me that i only admire him, a year ago, till now. but for me, is it?
well, today, something brought me to this post that will explain everything, from the beginning, and till today.
what is the explanation of admiring? my friends said that, admiring is when you see somebody, and in your point of view that he is that high, that perfect, and he is everything you couldn’t be. but, you don’t want him to be any of yours, you don’t want him to be yours, you don’t need him entering your life, just like you admiring your idol.
Well, it began when i was on my orientation, i saw him, in front of the mass, spoke, and explained. that time, he caught all the girls attention, except me. i thought he was just an ordinary handsome guy, which i never put my respect on ordinary handsome guy, whose no brain at all.i thought he was one of them.
then my best friend told me the other day about his blog, she said that his blog was a genius. then i flt anxious to this, handsome guy, wrote a blog, and genius. all the senior said that too, that he was a genius, and indeed, he is.
so i read his blog, one post to another, his language i was smart, his writings was admirable, and also confusing that time, but more words i read, i began to feel something, this is rare guy. and that time, i knew i admired him.
so, is that it? no, the story still sooooo long to tell. but before that i tell you what is the definition of like, like is when you see somebody, and you begin want him to become the part of your life, you want him to like you back. you want him to become your boyfriend.
it still happened, the habit, i knew i was a freak, a stalker, for me, he was an idol. i never been idolizing someone this much, collecting his photo, made my day. read his blog, cheered me, and made me wanted to be like him. so i made a blog just like he did. everyday, every time before i went to sleep, i played slides of his photo, and read all his post and searched about him on internet. i thought he was just too far away. i thought i will never experiencing this silly things, but i did. one day, i looked about him on internet, and i found that we are not the same, he is christian, and i am a moeslem. there was something inside, i felt hurt, my heart whispered that i will never become his wife, or girlfriend. but then i replaced that thought quickly, impossible, he is that perfect, and you? what are you?
and day by day passed sooo fast. every night i played some songs, and played his slide show, woke up with his slides show, amd the same music still played. in my class i drew a doodle about him, which i didn’t knew much that time. i was addicted to him.
until one day, i experienced something for me so traumatic. i felt i am ugly, stupid and nothing. i have experienced this bullying thingy before, and that always hurts my feeling this deep. and i began to cry everyday, and i made him, as my avatar. it just something i didn’t know what happened, but by reading all his writings on blog everyday, seeing his face on my slide show every night, made me think, i wanna be like him. i can, i can be like him. i can be a better person, i can reach him. and there, it began, my soda pop can, which made me bursting like a soda and fly high till today. he actually for me, did that much, he only by his blog, he supported me, to be a better person. by his writings, by his attitude, he supported me, and as always, he does until today. and that time, i began to realized, someday i can be his girl. someday..
something happened when you interact with that people, like chemistry, like hate-feeling, like love probably? but what is love? you can not determined it, it just happened. but love has a criteria, like a loyalty, or sacrifice, concerns, jealousy, and all bumping thing when you saw his face, or your body language, everything will leads you to love.
so day by day passed so fast, i did everything to be around him, i felt happy to be around him, i felt strange feeling, i couldn’t stare at him, but i wanted to be near with him. i wanted to be recognized by him, i didn’t know, everything seems him, he gave me this feelings, support feelings.
if the criteria of love is a heart bumping every time i saw his face i felt that, if the criteria of love is feel happy around him, i felt that, if the criteria of love is is sacrificing, i sacrificed everything to get to him, my time, my happiness, my friends, my mom and dad don’t even agree with this idea, if the criteria of love is concerns, i even know everything about you, i bought him a cup cake when he got sick, if criteria of love is loyalty, i still keep this feelings, since today, i don’t want nobody else, i rejected everyone just because i believed that someday he could be mine. i wrote all the things for him. if it is true, then i already felt so deep, on this one sided love.
i just didn’t realized that this feelings is getting bigger each day, i made a diary about him, i played his slide show, i tried to become a better person, everyday. because i felt this magical support, but then every time i knew him, i knew that he wasn’t in to me. that is so hurt, like everyday i could cry. sometimes he seemed, at least attracted to me, but someday, i knew that was only my imagination. everyday every time, he doesn’t gave me any sign, he doesn’t gave any positive reaction. what else i can do? i cried every time i played the slides, with the songs. i put my make up, and become beauty for him, i become everything to be aline with him. and i hope at least once he felt that he attracted to me, even once.
then, some guy came at me,at my lowest point, i thought he could replaced him, but then i wrong, i still stand for him, even when i was in that short relationship with that guy, i knew he was still got me. i couldn’t over him, even i wanted to, but i couldn’t. i tried to delete all his photos, but i put it back, i tried to hate him, but i couldn’t.
and now, i am a better person, much better, at least that what’s people see. but inside, i am still hoping for him for at least once, you felt the same way. and later on, i put the best dress, i did my hair so beautifuly, i wore my skirt, even it was so cold like ice, but i used it for him, at his birth day, i set a surprised party for him. i bought him a cake.
i was with my best friend, on a motorcycle on our way to bought his cakes, i cried. i hope that he knew, that i am this big. after all these days, this one year, i still have this feelings, i hope he knew, seriously. i wanted him to realized, that he is the only for me. i couldn’t forget him, when i heard that he got back with his ex, all i can do is nothing, but i just cried when i remembered this feelings, and for a month i suffered, i got insomnia. i could scream all day that i hate him, but deeply inside i hurt, when i met him, i still feel those bumping heart, and he is all.
now what should i do, he might don’t believe me that i love him this much, that i cried all the time, but after all things happened, i still felt the same way, it just too much, too much. and please, will you be once, attracted to me?